Why Do We Go Back to Childhood in Therapy?

Many of us come to therapy with a pressing question or challenge:

• Why am I so riddled with anxiety in public places?

• Why is it so difficult to set boundaries with my friends or family?

• Why don’t I feel fulfilled at my job, despite trying everything to improve my situation?

You’ve likely read the self-help books, pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, exercised, journaled, and even attempted meditation. And while these strategies can be helpful, they often don’t address the deeper roots of our struggles.

As a therapist, one of my core responsibilities is to listen deeply, with attunement to how your present challenges may connect to your past. Often, these roots stretch back to our childhood experiences.

Yet, I sometimes hear clients say, “I don’t believe in this whole ‘let’s go back to childhood’ thing. My struggles are about difficult people or circumstances in my life right now, not my past.”

This skepticism makes sense—if the connection between childhood and present struggles isn’t clear, revisiting the past can feel irrelevant or unnecessary. But understanding this connection is critical to long-lasting healing. Let me explain how our childhood continues to impact us and why exploring it is essential, using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model as a guide.

How Childhood Shapes Us

As children, we inevitably encounter situations we lack the resources or capacity to manage. These might include:

• A parent who was emotionally unavailable due to depression or personal losses.

• Experiences where we felt unwanted, unloved, or guilty for needing too much.

• Being praised only for achievements while our feelings and vulnerabilities were ignored or dismissed.

In response, we develop protective strategies—what IFS calls protectors—to shield ourselves from pain. These defenses might look like:

• Becoming people-pleasers to avoid conflict or rejection.

• Believing we can’t rely on anyone but ourselves.

• Striving for perfection to prove our worth.

While these strategies helped us survive in a vulnerable environment, they often become rigid patterns in adulthood, limiting our ability to thrive. For example:

• Overworking and overachieving might stem from feeling only valued for accomplishments.

• Struggles with vulnerability in relationships might trace back to being told, “Don’t cry,” or feeling our emotions were a burden.

These defenses served an important purpose when we were young, but as adults, they can hold us back.

Understanding these patterns intellectually isn’t enough. Healing requires us to re-experience the emotions tied to these early moments—not to relive the trauma, but to approach it with new compassion and understanding.

When we revisit these moments as adults, we bring a vital new perspective:

• We can recognize how natural our reactions were as children.

• We can see our younger selves with empathy—acknowledging their vulnerability and how hard they tried to adapt.

This process, often referred to as reparenting, allows us to treat our younger selves with the love, patience, and care they needed but didn’t receive. Through this compassionate lens, we can release the shame and limiting beliefs we’ve carried for years, such as “I’m unlovable” or “I need to be perfect to be accepted.”

Imagine a child whose parent praised them only for their intelligence and accomplishments but dismissed their emotional needs or moments of vulnerability. Over time, this child might develop beliefs like:

• “My worth is tied to achievement.”

• “Vulnerability is a burden to others.”

As an adult, these beliefs might manifest as relentless overworking, striving for perfection, and difficulty connecting authentically in relationships. Even if the person doesn’t consciously connect these behaviors to their childhood, they may feel stuck in patterns that no longer serve them.

Through therapy, we might revisit this child’s experience—not just to understand it, but to feel it anew with compassion. This time, we approach it with the perspective of an adult who knows:

• That child’s feelings were natural.

• Their worth was never tied to achievements.

• Their vulnerability deserved to be held with care, not dismissed.

By fully processing these emotions, we can begin to let go of the burdensome beliefs and defenses that were formed long ago.

When we reconnect with our younger selves, something profound happens:

• We start to feel seen, understood, and accepted—not just by others, but by ourselves.

• We develop a newfound compassion for the struggles we’ve endured and for the imperfections in ourselves and others.

• We gain freedom from the limiting beliefs and patterns that have shaped our lives.

This process isn’t about blaming our past or our parents. It’s about finding peace and clarity, so we can live more authentically and with greater ease.

Reparenting is the act of giving our younger selves the love, patience, and care we didn’t receive at the time. When we internalize this love, we naturally begin to treat ourselves and others with more kindness.

We can finally let go of the shame, fears, and burdens we’ve carried for so long, making room for a life aligned with our true selves.

If this resonates with you, know that healing is possible. Therapy offers a space to explore your past gently and with curiosity, so you can create a brighter, freer future.